Five Ways to talk assisted living with aging parents.

1. Start talking early, before a crisis

Job No. 1 is to start discussions early. Don't wait until there's a crisis. "It's important to get things on the table and start a dialogue, to discuss the ideal," says Timmermann. Unfortunately, studies suggest aging parents want to discuss future housing issue more so than children. "It's the children who are resistant," she says. "Some children don't want to face reality." And part of the planning includes site visits "The more that this is an activity, the more seniors are involved in the decision making, the more that this is a process where they are engaged, the more empowered they will be as consumers," Ginzler says. "And it can be a long process."

Far too often, however, Ginzler says American families experience the worst-case scenario, a short process. There's a health-care crisis and the aging parent is placed into an assisted-living facility without any discussion. "And that, says Ginzler, "is a recipe for disaster."

2. Include other family members in discussion

Involving siblings in the discussion is an equally important part of the recipe for success, says Timmermann. Children don't always agree on what should be done and then send conflicting messages. "Siblings need to come to agreement" for the process to work best, she says.

3. Walk a mile in their shoes

Children sometimes fail to consider the move into assisted living from their parent's perspective. Children view the move with a sense of relief that their parents will now be safe and have a chance to socialize. But parents don't always view it that way. Parents want to feel that they are still independent and still in control of their lives.

"It's a very emotional time to decide to make the move," Timmermann says. "Parents think of it as their world is shrinking, they perceive it as the end of the road."

In some cases, she says continuing-care retirement communities (CCRCs) are the ideal solution for many seniors. With a CCRC, seniors move into a facility when they are still independent and healthy and then move into assisted living or nursing-home care on the same campus as they age and become less independent and less healthy.

In other cases, parents (and their children) looking for options that don't carry the stigma of assisted living, nursing homes or CCRCs might consider something called cohousing or elder cohousing. With cohousing, residents own their own homes and collectively own common space, including shared outdoor space and a "common house" where neighbors share meals and other activities. (Visit the Cohousing Association of the United States' Web site for more information.)

4. Use good communication skills

Children need to offer options rather than advice when talking about the move. "Children should not say 'You should do this Mom,'" says Timmermann. "The way you communicate with a parent is important. You can't impose your values on them. You have to have a dialogue with them."

What's her advice for having an effective dialogue? Ask for your parents' ideas. Express your concerns rather than telling them what they should do. Listen and don't be afraid of silence. Use open-ended questions that foster discussion rather than closed questions that are answered with a "yes" or "no." "Remember, this is a topic that is heartbreaking," she says. "But it's a wake-up call to do some planning.

5. Treat parents with respect

Perhaps it need not be stated. But Timmermann notes in her tip sheet on talking to parents: "Your parents have lived a long time and have learned a great deal during their lives. They may have made great sacrifices to give you the life you have. While old age can be a rewarding time, it is also often a time of loss -- of loved ones, of health, and of independence. Treat your parents with love and respect, and reassure them that you will be there for them as they age."